I’m a Hot Mess and a Survivor — and I’m Not Ashamed of Either

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⚠️ Trigger Warning: Mental health, trauma, PTSD, recovery

This post continues a raw and honest conversation about mental health, trauma, suicide survival, and ongoing recovery. Please take care of yourself while reading. You matter. Need support? Call or text 988, or visit 988lifeline.org.

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I’m a Hot Mess and a Survivor

A woman stands gazing out the window, wrapped in a cozy sweater, embodying a moment of deep contemplation and self-reflection.

Here’s the thing no one tells you about surviving suicide attempts:

The story doesn’t end when you choose to live. That’s actually when it starts.

Because living — really living — after walking through that kind of darkness is hard. You will feel like a hot mess and a survivor, because you are. You will feel like you've got it all going right, and then you'll feel the rug ripped from under you.

The journey...It's beautiful. It's complicated. It's messy. And it’s active work.

Every. Damn. Day.

I’ve been through a lot:

• Suicide attempts

• The trauma of rape

• Physical abuse by a parent

• Emotional abuse by a stepparent (for those of you who know them... no NOT papa!)

• Psychological and emotional abuse, and yes, physical too, in my marriage

• PTSD that required me to take a mental health leave from work, and more

I'm a complex being, and I have a ton of baggage... just like you! Yours may look different, I may not understand yours, but we are the same in the sense that we are all messy, sometimes we are all a hot mess.

And guess what? I’m still standing. Not because I’m unbreakable. But because I finally stopped believing I had to be.

🧠 I Don’t Eat, Work, or Live to Shrink Myself Anymore

Lost in vulnerability, seeking solace in solitude while carrying the weight of survival.

There was a time when every choice I made was about disappearing: Eating more — yes, I know this sounds like an oxymoron — but food was my drug of choice. I binged to numb the pain. I ate to make myself less attractive, hoping if I looked “ugly enough,” I wouldn’t be a target again.

I smiled when I wanted to cry. I said “yes” when I wanted to scream “HELL NO.” I worked harder, pushed further, prayed more — thinking if I just shrunk myself in every way, peace would follow.

But peace doesn’t come from pleasing the world.

Peace comes from finally showing up for yourself.

And I’m finally — yes, at 45 years old — healthy enough to do that. To show up for me. To live in alignment with who I believe God created me to be. Not the version I was trained to be, or the one trauma built to survive.

💊 I’ve Been on Meds. I’ve Been Off. I’ve Gone Back On.

There’s been darkness — deep, terrifying darkness. Moments I didn’t think I’d make it through. Panic attacks left me shaking, unable to move, and unable to think. Flashbacks that stole days, weeks, and months at a time. And, I've experienced PTSD that made me question my own sanity.

There was a time when needing medication felt like failure. Like I wasn’t strong enough to just mindset my way out. But here’s what I’ve learned:

Needing help isn’t weakness. It’s courage. Seeking it is a strength. It's OK to need help!

Going on meds — and yes, coming off, and needing to go back on — doesn’t make you broken. It means you’re choosing to stay. It means you’re fighting to live.

And I will be honest, I am on them today! Yep, happy, sane, normal Regina, I take meds every day because I am still processing my PTSD. And, candidly, neither me, nor my doctor believe I am in a place where I am ready to come off of them because I fear the paranoia, nightmares, and lack of sleep that reliving my rape brings (yes, that is what my PTSD is from, an event that triggered PTSD from that ugly day). I've processed it, I've therapied my way through it, I even took a leave of absence from work to address it, but this tool, this resource, medication that is - I am not ready to let it go just yet.

And you know what? I feel NO shame in that, because it's real and it's raw and it is me. And, staying on meds, means I get to continue my work, my healing, and allows me to work through the things I need to without the panic, paranoia, and anxiety that processing and working through trauma can create.

There is no shame in chemical rebalancing. There’s no shame in therapy, in EMDR, in support groups, or in taking a mental health leave when your brain and soul are just too raw to keep performing. And, despite the outside world not understanding (because, yes, I also faced the world, and even close friends, who didn't understand how dark things could get). How paralyzing PTSD is, and certainly, if you haven't been raped, you will never understand how processing your feelings about it decades later impacts you.

Oh, and add to it, dealing with leaving an abusive marriage at the same time.... let's just say that my mental health leave, being willing to face the stigma, it kept me from the darkness. But even with not being suicidal, you know where I was before I went on leave? In the aftermath of PTSD? Before my marriage crashed and burned? Let me show you - this is a clip from my journal:

I finally didn’t care if he killed me. My kids are good kids, they are well-rounded, they are resourceful, and they would be okay… I had gotten them far enough along in life that if they had to do the rest of their life without me they could.

I was so tired I finally hit my limit, for the first time in my marriage, death sounded more peaceful than life! It was a gamble I was willing to take. I just didn't have any fight left in me anymore.

And, while I don't see the above as a suicidal thought, it is an example of how the depths of darkness, of trauma of PTSD, and of abuse took me to rock bottom. It wasn't fragility, it was humanity. It was the body's natural reaction to trauma, trauma I did not ask for, trauma I did not create, but rather the trauma that was created by others, others who should have known better. And thanks to therapy, I finally see that all of it was me fighting to survive. And I won’t apologize for it anymore.

Beyond that, thanks to the leave of absence and the therapy work I did during it, I see that I have more value; I deserve more than that darkness. And you know what... that darkness still tries to come back. It is part of me, it is a demon I will forever live with... but the big difference....

Darkness no longer gets to win; it no longer gets to take over the light. Why? Not because I am special, not because I have some magic trick... but because I am on my healing journey - I am prioritizing myself and my wellbeing holistically (mind, body, and spirit). And because I wasn't afraid to admit I couldn't find the tools I needed on my own. I hired a team of professionals to help me: an excellent doctor, a fantastic therapist, a health coach, and turned to the people I trusted most. And now, thanks to that team, I have the tools to keep my demons at bay.

So what does healing look like? It's different for all of us...

🧘‍♀️ Healing for Me Looks Like:

Healing doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it’s quiet. Intentional. Nourishing. It’s choosing peace, one gentle decision at a time.

✨ Getting freaking honest — even when it makes people uncomfortable.

✨ Resting without guilt.

✨ Creating a soft life with fierce boundaries.

✨ Eating to feel alive, not to chase a number.

✨ Saying “no” without explaining myself.

✨ Letting joy be part of my recovery.

✨ Accepting that I am a constant work in progress.

✨ Allowing others to see me — really see me — and learning to receive their love.

✨ Laughing and crying in the same day, and knowing that doesn’t make me unstable. It makes me real.

✨ Forgiving myself for the time I spent surviving instead of living.

✨ Seeking forgiveness from those I feel I failed.

✨ Being raw and vulnerable, because that is who I am.

✨ Learning to become ME again... that's been one heck of a journey, and it's not over yet.

I don't know what it looks like for you, or the next person, or the next... but what I know with certainty is that I am healthier, happier, and in a better place today than I have ever been in my life. So I promise you it is worth figuring out what it looks like for you... it's freeing, it's liberating, and it's beautiful once you get to the other side.

👑 I’m Not Here to Be Inspirational. I’m Here to Be Free.

I’m not telling my story to earn a badge of bravery. I’m telling it because I know how many of you are carrying your own darkness, anxiety, depression, demons — in silence. I know how heavy it feels when no one sees you breaking.

But I believe when we tap into our softness, our sacred feminine, and stop hiding our scars, something shifts. We create space for others to breathe again, too. And guys, even you alpha male types, you have a feminine side too... It's nothing to fear, and it doesn't take away from your masculine side, it enhances it (but I digress... we can have that convo another day).

In speaking our truth, we build the world we crave: one where we are allowed to be messy, real, whole, and deeply loved.

Closing Thoughts:

You can be a hot mess and still be holy (even when too many Christians tell you otherwise). You can fall apart and still be worthy. We were, after all, created in the image of God (at least in my religious beliefs), and as such, we are ALL worthy of love, grace, kindness, and acceptance. You can take meds, need therapy, and still be a damn warrior. You can be depressed and still be deeply, wildly lovable. You can choose to stay. And then choose again. Again. And again.

💬 Tell Me:

Are you in your own healing season? Have you survived more than people know? What does recovery look like for you — even if it’s still in progress?

Are there topics you WISH someone would cover? Let me know, and I will do what I can.

Share below or send me a message. I’ll hold it gently. No judgment. No fixing. Just truth and space and a virtual hug.

Resources

📣 Need Support in the Reno/Tahoe area?

I highly recommend the following local non-emergent resources:

• Resonate Therapy: https://www.resonatetherapyca.com/

• Reno Behavioral Healthcare Hospital: https://www.renobehavioral.com/

📣 Need Support?

🆘 Crisis + Emergency Support

📞 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — Call or Text 988🌐 988lifeline.orgConfidential, 24/7 support for suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or emotional crisis

📱 Crisis Text Line — Text HELLO to 741741Free, 24/7 mental health support via text with a trained crisis counselor

📞 The Trevor Project (for LGBTQIA+ youth): Call 866-488-7386 or Text START to 678678 thetrevorproject.org

🧠 Therapy & Mental Health Platforms

🧾 Open Path Collective — Affordable therapy directoryopenpathcollective.org

🧑‍💻 Psychology Today — Find a licensed therapist in your areapsychologytoday.com

💬 BetterHelp & Talkspace — Online therapy and counseling apps(Insurance may apply or financial aid may be available)

🧰 Mental Health America — Free mental health screenings + educationmhanational.org

💫 Spiritual Support & Faith-Based Help

⛪️ Local Churches —

Many offer free counseling or prayer support

📖 Faithful Counseling — Therapy through a spiritual lensfaithfulcounseling.com

🙏 Daily Devotionals: Try the Abide App or YouVersion Bible App for grounding, calm, and connection. I also really enjoy my daily emails from Klove.

📿 Insight Timer — Free meditations for grief, anxiety, and spiritual groundinginsighttimer.com

🧡 Peer Support & Online Communities

🧍‍♀️ NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) — Support groups + educationnami.org | Call HelpLine: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

📲 Mental Health TikTok & Instagram Creators to Follow:

• @nedratawwab (boundaries + healing)

• @notesfromyourtherapist (gentle truth bombs)

• @the.holistic.psychologist (trauma-informed insight)

  
  

🎧 Podcasts for Healing:

• The Mel Robbins Podcast

• Terrible, Thanks for Asking

• Unlocking Us with Brené Brown

🫂 If You Just Need to Know Someone Cares

You can message me. Anytime. No fixing. No judgment. Just presence. You’re not alone in this space. Not ever.

💛 My Healing Playlist

🎤 “The Truth” – Megan Woods

“I see the scars, I know the story / And I still say you’re enough.” A gut-punch in the best way — gentle, raw, and affirming for the moments when you feel like too much or not enough.

🎶 “You Say” – Lauren Daigle

“You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing.” This one always finds its way into my hands when I need to hear a softer truth over my loud inner critic. It is also my morning alarm clock so I start every day remembering that I am HIS child, and no matter how I feel... HE says I am loved!

🕊 “The Dance” – Garth Brooks

“I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” A reminder that love and loss often hold hands. And that the most beautiful moments are worth the ache that follows. This is my life anthem song - Garth, if you could have Trisha do a female version... I'd be in heaven... or somehow turn it into a duet; OMG it would be amazing!

🛟 “Rescue” – Lauren Daigle

“You are not hidden. There’s never been a moment you were forgotten.” Yes. Just… yes. For when you feel invisible, this one pulls you back into the light.

🧍‍♀️ “I’ll Stand By You” – The Pretenders

“Nothing you confess could make me love you less.” This is the friend we all need on a dark night. It's loyalty, grace, and unconditional love set to music.

🔥 “Fighter” – Christina Aguilera

“Made me learn a little bit faster / Made my skin a little bit thicker.” The anthem for when you’re done apologizing for surviving. This one’s your power-up.

📌 SAVE THIS. SHARE IT. FORWARD IT.

You never know who’s scrolling, smiling on the outside, and barely hanging on.

What’s Next?

This blog might have been about nutrition, hormones, and midlife energy up until this blog series, but it isn't. I never planned for it to be just about those topics. This blog is about truth. About un-silencing the strong ones. The sensitive ones. The ones who’ve been through hell and come back wiser, softer, braver. It's about the health and wellness journey... from a holistic standpoint. And that means we'll cover a wide range of topics.

We’ll return to our planned wellness content next week - the final posts in the menopause series. But let’s be clear -we may have pivoted, and in the future we may pivot again... but this impromptu series....

This was wellness.

The soul kind.

The life-saving kind.

The real kind.

And every post that follows? I promise it’ll honor that, too.

All my love,

Regina